The Department of Procurement
Headed by our Chief Procurement Officer (self-appointed, 2026)
TO: All stakeholders
RE: Mission statement
To source gifts that exceed stakeholder expectations, for every occasion on the corporate calendar.
Departments
// reporting to the Chief Procurement OfficerBureau of Teen ApprovalFor Teens · headed by our Director of Not-Cringe ComplianceBureau of Small StakeholdersFor Kids · headed by our VP of Unboxing JoyBureau of Adult AcquisitionsFor Grown-Ups · headed by our Director of Practical DelightOffice of Annual CelebrationsBirthdays · headed by our Director of Candle ComplianceSeasonal Procurement DeskHolidays · headed by our VP of Wrapping Logistics
Latest Deliverables
Soon
Gifts › For TeensProcurement GuideFor: Teens (13–17)
Gifts for a Teenager (That They'll Actually Use)
Procurement-approved gifts for teens, vetted against the eye-roll audit.